hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
