before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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