Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
