Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
