Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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