Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
