WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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