I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
