dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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