Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
