We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
