sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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