I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
