So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i think my mom watched the whole time
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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