If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
