yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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