It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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