We're like a lot better than the average bears
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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