ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
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