My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
