I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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