So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
