Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize