I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
