Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
