so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
are you so shy because you have an std?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
