perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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