I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
