my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize