im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
