C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
