paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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