I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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