I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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