i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
