i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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