I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
