For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
