halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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