my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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