New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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