I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
