does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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