my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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