So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
