I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
