Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
