Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize