instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize