God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
