i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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