I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
