So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
