So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
