I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
im holly from the hills drunk
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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