Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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