Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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