Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
