do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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