My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize