I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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