So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
