You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
