I'm gonna have a badass scar
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
