I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
