What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
